10 Weeks?!?!

The finish line "should" be in sight. I know I compared this entire PA student experience to running a marathon at one point last year. Well, there are only 10 weeks left before I finish rotations and for some reason, I just cannot perceive crossing that finish line. Once I cross that finish line, I'm back in the "real world" again. I'll have my life back. I'll be able to live and work when and where I want to. That has been the goal, but now that it's upon me...it is quite overwhelming!

Which brings me back to running the 2001 NYC Marathon.

I started the marathon running with a friend. I had trained with this friend for several months before the marathon. We ran the same pace and expected to finish the marathon together. Well, somewhere around mile 18 I realized that this friend was holding me back. I found myself running backwards for half a mile trying to encourage my friend to pick up the pace.

Running backwards during the NYC Marathon? Who does that?

Well, it was comfortable running with a friend. It felt safe to run next to someone else. I had never gone that distance before and didn't think I could do it alone.

Once I realized the insanity involved in what I was doing, I took off. For the next mile, I fretted as to whether or not I would be able to go the distance by myself, on my own. By mile 20, I started to envision the finish line. I started to envision myself crossing the finish line with my fists pumping in the air, exhaulting with joy. And that's exactly how it happened.

For some reason, that memory keeps popping into my head lately. Since rotations began in September, I've been able to live SOMEWHAT of a more "normal" life. I've been more social than I've been since I started this process THREE YEARS ago.

Since September I've met so many incredible people. My life changes quite drastically every 5 weeks. Every 5 weeks I essentially change jobs. They say that changing jobs is one of the most stressful things that we humans do. I can definitely attest to that now!

Every 5 weeks I've had to morph into whatever situation I was thrown into. Every hospital and doctor's office has it's own set of rules and "culture". I found myself in situations that were laughable and other situations that were downright frightening. I've experienced really good medicine and extremely poor medicine. I've worked with inspiring mentors as well as un-inspiring mentors.

The hospital where I did my surgery rotation was the absolute worst hospital I've ever been in. This hospital should be closed. It took a couple of weeks for me to become comfortable enough in my surroundings to even enter the operating room. I didn't trust some of the doctors/surgeons there. I never understood how hospitals could be considered bad...until I went to that hospital. Of course, that was the hospital where I worked the longest hours. The record was 82 hours in one week. That consisted of two 26 hour shifts of being on call...which equated into me only sleeping 3-4 hours in a dirty, dusty room on a lumpy, uncomfortable mattress.

I was amazed at how poorly human beings were treating other human beings. On those days, I'd often wonder about the treatment that animals get in a zoo. And how quickly one becomes desensitized to environments that we naturally should NOT become desensitized to. It was the most difficult 5 weeks of this entire experience.

I will quote the words of a Hematology specialist who was called in as a consultant to help a patient who was experiencing massive episodic bouts of necrosis. It started on his toes...so his toes were chopped off. Then it spread up his leg...so his leg was chopped off. Then it appeared on his fingers...so his fingers were taken off. Then it appeared on his penis. This man was in the hospital for one month before his penis was affected. And, for some unknown reason, a hematology consult was not called until it got to that point.

I was present for the Hematology consult. The doctor walked into the room and threw the chart against the wall. He yelled, "This f**ing hospital is worse than a third world country!"

That man's penis was scheduled for amputation the day after I left.

Needless to say, it was not easy. I did meet some inspiring and talented doctors there. They were there trying to help...trying to turn around the hospital. And that gave me the boost I needed to show up every morning at 6am.

Getting back to the point....I've met a lot of people since September. Some of them have added to my life and others have taken away. I'm at the point now that it's time for me to break away from the pack. I need to start envisioning the finish line. I need to take all of the good that I've experienced over the last 10 months and leave the bad behind. I need to embrace those that have continously supported me through the highs and lows.

But mostly, I need to find the confidence to break free and run towards the finish line. I have to look back and remind myself of how far I've come. The girl that quit her job and moved back home with her parents to take chemistry classes over the summer...not knowing if she had what it took to get through chemistry. And three quick years later...that same girl is on the brink of achieving her dream. Her dream of practicing medicine.

I'm at the 18th mile. Crossing this finish line scares the hell out of me. I've only got 4 exams left to pass before I graduate. Then I have to pass the national board exam. Then I will be a licensed Physician Assistant.

Everyone around me has already started asking, "What's next, T-rex?"

At this point, I do not know.

All I know is that I'm going to take a break once I have that diploma in my hand. I'm going to go where I need to go to rest up and rejuvenate. I do not know where that is right now. Whether or not that will be by myself or not. Whether or not that place is local or overseas.

Every marathon runner needs a break before she begins training again.

The next race has yet to be determined...